I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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