I should be sponsored by Trojan
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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