Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
