I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
