Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just found a bag of teeth...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
