i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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