Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
