Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
