i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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