Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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