people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
