Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
