apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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