i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
