it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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