If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
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yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
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I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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