I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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