Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
