did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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