Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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