i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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