i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
