why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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