I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
