Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
