The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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