Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
