I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
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He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
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he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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