Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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