that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
