his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
