it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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