I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
