I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
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Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
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I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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