i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
