If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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