This dress was meant to end up on your floor
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
