I am midnight drunk by noon
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
