I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Randomize
