I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
