I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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