I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
