Who wears a wallet chain?!
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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