Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Welp...herpes.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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