why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
