genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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