I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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