the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
