If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
