Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
