I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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