How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
