the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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