did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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