i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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