sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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