Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
