I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
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He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
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I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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