I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
